The smell. Ammonia mixed with the stench of sickness.
“God I hate this place,” she gagged as the smell assaulted her nostrils.
“And who wouldn’t,” she thought to herself.
The bright light from the heart monitor cast an eerie shadow against one of the colourless, paint cracked walls.
“Sterile shitty prison,” Maryann huffed. “You’d think they could at least paint the walls anything but institutional puke green. Isn’t there enough of that around here already. They’re the last walls people will ever see for God’s sake.”
“I’m sorry. What did you say?” Just then, a young, overly cheerful nurse peeked her capped head around the stained curtain. Young, blond and perky, Dad. You would love her, Maryann thought sadly.
“Nothing. I’m just waiting for my husband and my sister,” she replied. “Could you get one of those warm blankets for my Dad?”
Nervously, the young nurse scribbled down Bunny’s vital signs dropping the blood pressure cuff on the gray linoleum floor.
“Yes, no problem,” she stammered. “I’ll be right back.”
Oh God, can this day get any worse thought Maryann. Of course it can but I’m not even going to go there, she thought with a shiver.
Ready to stand up and stretch her weary legs, Maryann caught a glimpse of something moving outside the smudged hospital window. A tiny, frail looking sparrow had landed on the narrow windowsill, a piece of dry straw in his beak. Must be building a nest, Maryann guessed.
“Hey little buddy, nice to be free isn’t it?” she said sadly, touching him through the glass of the dirty windowpane. He cocked his tiny head as if he was listening.
“Maryann I think it’s time to go,” came a soft voice from the open doorway. Janet crept silently into the room, glad she had worn her Nikes and not her Versace heels. Though she was seven years older than her baby sister Maryann, she often felt like the younger of the two.
Startled, Maryann turned sharply in her chair, knocking Bunny’s IV pole.
“Is it 8:00 already!” Maryann exclaimed.
“Shhh, keep your voice down,” hissed Rick, grabbing the ancient IV pole. “We just came from the cafeteria and they close at 8:00.”
Maryann glared at her husband of twenty-seven years.
“Well dare I ask what you had?” Maryann snorted.
“I’m not sure. I think it was supposed to be veal cutlet. Tough as leather. Tasted as good too,” Rick replied.
“It wasn’t that bad, Maryann,” Janet added quickly. “The chicken salad was fine.”
That’s my sister Maryann thought, the eternal optimist.
“Come on Maryann,” urged Rick. “I don’t want to get stuck paying parking for another hour.”
“God is that all you think about,” Maryann retorted. The heat rushed to her cheeks like an open flame.
“My father is lying here in this hospital bed and all you care about is the God damn parking!” she hissed. “Maryann let’s go,” Janet pleaded. “I’m sure that’s not what Rick meant but this isn’t the time ok?”
Rick glared back at Maryann, the vein in his temple throbbing uncontrollably.
“I’ll get the car,” he said evenly. Without another word, Rick turned his back and disappeared down the busy corridor.
“I’m sorry Janet. I didn’t mean that,” confessed Maryann. Sheepishly, Maryann slowly got to her feet and put her tired arms around her older sister. Looking over Janet’s shoulder, she noticed that the little bird had flown away.
“Why is this happening,” she whispered.
“I don’t know,” choked Janet, holding back hot tears ready to spill down her cheeks. “I really don’t know.”
********
Only the trailer camp’s early risers could appreciate the peaceful silence of nature starting her day. The first glimpse of the orange ball of fire appeared in the morning sky, waking the world with her warmth. The thick grass damp with heavy dew had a fresh earthy scent. The distant voices of fellow campers could be heard, eager to greet the day.
Maryann took a deep breath, filling her lungs with the sweetness of the country air. Exhaling, she slowly knelt to the ground and ran her hand through the wet grass. The dripping bacon grease sparked on the open fire. The mouth-watering aroma could rouse even the deepest sleepers.
“How’d you sleep, Dad,” asked Maryann, turning her back on the crackling bacon to give her dad a big hug. She smiled to herself, pleased that he would be joining her before the rest of the tribe got up.
“Ok lovie,” replied Bunny affectionately. He was proud of his girls, Janet and Maryann.
“I heard you coughing a lot,” Maryann added, trying to sound casual. “You ok?”
“I’m fine, lovie. How’s that bacon cookin’? It smells mighty good,” replied Bunny.
Maryann knew she wasn’t going to get any answers from her dad. But she couldn’t ignore his hacking cough that had wakened her in the night or the blood spattered pillowcase he’d done his best to hide behind the shed.
“The bacon does smell good doesn’t it,” Maryann replied affectionately. “I love you Dad,” she said, squeezing him tightly in a big bear hug.
“I love you too, Honey,” Bunny beamed.
“Hey Dad. Can you watch the bacon for a sec? I just want to wake Rick up,” asked Maryann.
“Sure honey. Take your time.” Bunny picked up the long fork and began to stab at the hot bacon.
Maryann hopped up the trailer steps and almost collided with Rick.
“Whoa. Where’s the fire?” he asked.
“Rick you have to come with me right now. I need to show you something,” Maryann said urgently. Grabbing him by the sleeve, she pulled him down the trailer stairs.
“Jesus Maryann. I want to have a smoke,” he croaked. Bewildered, he let her drag him behind the trailer to the dusty shed.
“Look at this,” she announced as she thrust the bloody pillowcase into his hands.
“What the hell is this?” he gasped. “Geez. It’s got blood on it! Who’s is it?”
“Shhh. I think its Dad’s,” she whispered. “Didn’t you hear him coughing last night?”
“Yea. But how did it get here,” he managed.
“He must have shoved it here so Mom wouldn’t find it,” she guessed.
“Geez. No offence Maryann but your mother couldn’t find her way around the trailer never mind a pillowcase stashed away,” he said.
“Oh that’s nice. Pick on my mother with Alzheimer’s,” she whispered accusingly.
“That’s not what I meant and you know it,” he replied sharply.
“I know. I know,” she relented. What are we going to do? I’m really scared.”
Instinctively, Rick dropped the soiled pillowcase and reached for Maryann.
“It’s going to be ok, alright?” he replied woodenly, clinging to Maryann.
“I don’t think it is,” she said holding back tears. “Oh God what’s going to happen to Mom?” she breathed.
“Calm down. Let’s just get Bunny to Dr. Kozier before we start worrying about anything else,” he said soothingly. “Come on.”
Maryann hesitated before heading back around the narrow shed to the front of the trailer. She wanted to run. Jump in the car with the windows down and drive. She loved to drive. Let the wind blow freely through her hair without a care in the world. Be anywhere but here at this moment. Deep in the pit of her stomach was the churning dread of knowing. She took a deep breath and slowly rounded the trailer.
*******
The old air conditioner hummed quietly in the tiny window of the crowded apartment. The scorching heat was unusual for these early days of summer. Patsy Cline crooned softly in the background. A fly buzzed around the window trying desperately to escape its captivity. Maryann watched absently as it flapped its wings furiously, unable to free itself through the tightly shut window. Is that how Dad feels, she thought. Trapped in this glass prison?
Bunny’s hospital bed monopolized the cramped living room, pushed up against the small, wooden dining room table. The metal legs of the scratchy old pull out couch touched the foot of the rusty hospital bed.
“Move over Janet. You’re hogging the bed,” Maryann whispered. “My back is killing me,” she added.
“That’s nothing,” Janet whispered back. “I think I have a rusty spring embedded in my spine,” she giggled. The couch squeaked loudly as Janet clung to her side of the lumpy couch.
“Janet, honey I need something fast. I can’t breath all that well,” whispered Bunny, the urgency of his strangled voice barely audible above the hiss of his oxygen mask.
“What can I get you Dad?” Janet asked calmly.
“I don’t know. I don’t know. But I can’t breath for God’s sake,” he said unable to control the panic in his voice. “Where’s Maryann? Where is she? Why isn’t she doing something for me?” he screamed.
In a frenzy, Bunny pulled the oxygen mask away from his face and it snapped sharply against his heaving chest. Maryann bolted from the pullout couch, surprised by Bunny’s sudden outburst.
“Dad! Dad! I’m right here. Please calm down,” sheyelled, desperately trying to reassure him.
Securing the oxygen mask back on his face, she hurled her right leg up on the bed and tried to hold him in the cumbersome hospital bed.
“I can’t breath. Can’t you see that! You’re trying to kill me! Get me out of here!” he screamed hysterically, thrashing and struggling uncontrollably.
The faint sound of an ambulance siren could be heard screeching in the background. In a panic, Janet had already called 911.
“It’s almost here Dad,” Maryann shouted over Bunny’s wheezing, dodging his flailing fists.
Bunny suddenly slumped back heavily on the bed in a tangle of sweat drenched sheets.
“They’re here Dad. They’re here,” Maryann shouted, relieved.
Bunny had closed his strained eyes, exhausted and barely breathing.
The paramedics quickly loaded Bunny onto the crisp white sheets of the stretcher. His breathing was shallow, his pulse barely palpable. The air in the narrow hallway was thick with the smell of stale sweat mixed with the pungent odour of cooked fish.
“We’ll meet you at Joseph Brant Hospital,” said one of the paramedics as they skilfully manoeuvred the awkward stretcher onto the stuffy elevator.
Janet and Maryann scrambled out the door, escaping the suffocation of the make shift hospital room.
******
No resuscitation. That’s the order. Maryann stared blankly at her signature on the type written page. The bright sun in the private room made her squint. Who made me God, she asked herself. I don’t want to be God. The nurse gently slipped the papers from Maryann’s trembling hands and silently disappeared.
“Dad, I don’t want to make the decisions. I want you to make them for me just like you used to. Remember when you sold your tools to buy me a bike. I loved that bike Dad. But not as much as I love you,” she cried, unable to hold back the burning tears. She squeezed Bunny’s clammy hand.
The room was unusually cool for a hot June afternoon. Maryann could hear the noisy clang of the lunch trays piled high on the trolley. The smell of tuna casserole and peas made her stomach churn.
“They say Dad, that people in comas can hear what you’re saying, so I’m going to keep on talking,” she rambled, trying desperately to choke back the tears.
“Dad! Look! The little bird’s back at the window again,” she said pointing. A frail little sparrow perched itself precariously on the cracked and peeling windowsill.
“I’ve seen him before,” Maryann continued. I must be going crazy, she thought to herself. It’s probably not even the same bird.
The gurgling in Bunny’s chest grew worse with every breath. Oh God I’m running out of time, she thought desperately. Dad, don’t go. Please don’t go. I need you. How do I say goodbye, she agonized.
“Janet I can’t do this,” cried Maryann. “I can’t do it.”
Janet sat stiffly in the overstuffed vinyl chair staring at Bunny’s tortured face, his skin the colour of putty.
“This is it Janet. I can’t let go. Janet!” Maryann shouted.
“Just leave me alone for a minute will you,” Janet snapped back.
The panic rising in her voice, Maryann pleaded, “Let’s talk about some really cool things about Dad. Remember the way he used different words than everybody else like Lambordhini for Lamborghini or windle for window.”
“No Maryann, the best one was condom for condo,” Janet giggled.
“Oh yea. That’s true,” Maryann smiled. God we’re talking about him as if he isn’t even here, Maryann realized horrified. Like a tidal wave crashing to the shore, thousands of memories flooded her mind. Maryann stood up slowly and gently stroked Bunny’s cheek.
“I love you Dad. I don’t know what I’m going to do without you,” she said in a quivering voice.
None of this is really happening, thought Maryann. The feeling of floating was coming over her again. She started to perspire. Dad should be drinking his 50, turning up his TV too loud and shouting at mom, ‘Lil did you take your pill!’ What about his teeth, his shaver, his wallet? They’re all still here on his night table. But he’ll never use them again. Do we keep his teeth? What happens to his teeth?
Maryann’s mind was racing like a runaway train. He’s my person, her mind screamed. She was losing the one true thing in her life. Unconditional love. The overwhelming pain in the pit of her stomach seared like a hot poker. Get a grip, Maryann, she told herself, breathing the stale hospital air deep into her lungs.
Janet was surprisingly calm. She slowly stood up and slipped her hand in his.
“I love you Dad. I’ll be ok,” she whispered as she gently kissed his feverish brow.
“Janet hold my hand,” Maryann gasped leaning heavily on Bunny’s bed. “I love you Dad,” she whispered, softly kissing his cool hand, the tears now flowing uncontrollably.
Janet took Maryann’s hand and squeezed it tight.
“God’s speed my beautiful Dad,” Maryann managed to whisper. “Save a spot for us.”
Like the tranquil breeze of a cool summer night, Bunny’s anguished face relaxed. Ashes to ashes and dust to dust, he took his final breath and continued his journey holding the wing of his tiny, feathered angel.